Today appears to call for 2 posts. The earlier one seems to have caused a stir among those silly people I affectionately call my friends. btw - thanks Randa for telling everyone. I now feel incredibly lame but love you anyway.
Yes yes yes, I'm sad. (It was perfect timing for losing those few pounds to make my prom dress fit perfectly :P .. I'm kidding). Yes yes yes, it's about a guy. A missed opportunity with a guy. I'm not dying and my heart is not broken nor do I think the world will stop spinning tomorrow. I'm just flippin' SAD!! And I'm almost positive that there are at least a few of you who have felt that same way at sometime in your life about something equally silly. The earlier post was a little dramatic piece intended as an emotional outlet. So while I appreciate all the sympathy and words of cheer, I'm fine .. really.
Now, if y'all will please just let me be sad for the next few hours. I promise that by this time tomorrow I'll be the life of the party and you'll never even know I've been sad. It's actually quite a normal emotion and if my happys are even half as good as my sads, I'm a lucky girl.
If you really want to cheer me up, send Randa hate mail telling her to shut up :D.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
...on wishing
She woke up to to the sun
Streaming in her window.
She closed her eyes
And wished as hard
As she could ..
'Let today be different'.
It was too late.
She'd
already
thought
of
him.
Streaming in her window.
She closed her eyes
And wished as hard
As she could ..
'Let today be different'.
It was too late.
She'd
already
thought
of
him.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ryan says...
We always want what we can't have
If we do finally get it
It loses its value
And is meaningless to us
That's just depressing
Shut up, Ryan ;p
If we do finally get it
It loses its value
And is meaningless to us
That's just depressing
Shut up, Ryan ;p
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Quest
As you can tell if you regularly read my blogs, I have spent a good part of the last three weeks being in some emotional turmoil. In an effort to explain the reason, I googled "fear of the future". There's no phobia with that name but apparently a band thought it was pretty cool. I've driven just about every one of my friends crazy with whining and fussing and worrying about the decisions I had to make and how to do that.
So I left home yesterday morning and headed to San Antonio. I love this city. I called this little trip 'a quest of self-discovery'. I sound so deep, huh? My quest took me to the river walk, which is absolutely one of my favorite places of all time. On my walk, I bought this cute pair of peace sign earrings because everyone on a quest should look good, don't you think? I had a latte and a blueberry scone, because they rock. I sat and watched people and discovered that I really think there are some people who shouldn't wear shorts and that I'm incredibly jealous of happy couples and I'd like to know how they do it.
I sat on a rock and watched the river and thought it was kind of a shame that people litter. And for a while I wondered what it would be like to be a fish. It might not be too bad. You wouldn't have to make any decisions. It was getting cool and kind of dusky so I wandered back to the hotel. I rented Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and watched it once all the way through. Then I put on my i-pod, muted the movie and watched it 5 more times to my own infinite playlist and wrote my own script. I got to be Nora and my 'like' interest was Nick. (that alone made me giggle). It ended differently every time.
I made some decisions yesterday. I want to say that some of them are life-altering and some not so much. But in reality, they were all life-altering because every time we make a decision it alters our life, even if it's only a little. I don't know how much I discovered about myself but I've decided on a path and maybe that's all I can do for right now.
So I left home yesterday morning and headed to San Antonio. I love this city. I called this little trip 'a quest of self-discovery'. I sound so deep, huh? My quest took me to the river walk, which is absolutely one of my favorite places of all time. On my walk, I bought this cute pair of peace sign earrings because everyone on a quest should look good, don't you think? I had a latte and a blueberry scone, because they rock. I sat and watched people and discovered that I really think there are some people who shouldn't wear shorts and that I'm incredibly jealous of happy couples and I'd like to know how they do it.
I sat on a rock and watched the river and thought it was kind of a shame that people litter. And for a while I wondered what it would be like to be a fish. It might not be too bad. You wouldn't have to make any decisions. It was getting cool and kind of dusky so I wandered back to the hotel. I rented Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and watched it once all the way through. Then I put on my i-pod, muted the movie and watched it 5 more times to my own infinite playlist and wrote my own script. I got to be Nora and my 'like' interest was Nick. (that alone made me giggle). It ended differently every time.
I made some decisions yesterday. I want to say that some of them are life-altering and some not so much. But in reality, they were all life-altering because every time we make a decision it alters our life, even if it's only a little. I don't know how much I discovered about myself but I've decided on a path and maybe that's all I can do for right now.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
2H
My sketch pencils glare mockingly at me from my desk. I'd been lying in the torture device formerly known as my bed and feeling guilty for not being more productive.
I glare back, "Eff you." I get up and throw a hoodie over them. "Take that."
I think I hear them sigh. "That won't make us go away you spoiled little bitch."
I look around the room. Hahahaha .. what? Did they just talk to me? Now they aren't just glaring, but talking and swearing?! I really should be finishing that submission for physics but I think I’ll go with chatting with my pencils just for giggles.
"Shut the fuck up or I'll sharpen you down to carbon shavings." I answer. "I'm not spoiled and I'm pretty sick of people saying that..."
"Hey dumbass, we're pencils not people. You do realize you're having a conversation with your pencils?"
I thought I could actually hear one of them smirk. It was probably that 2H. He never liked me anyway."I don't care. You started it. And I'm not spoiled and I definitely don't think y'all should be name calling and mocking me." I'd gotten out of the bed and was pacing the floor. My life was just too bizarre sometimes.
2H seemed to have taken over as spokesperson .. erhm.. pencil. It figures. "You've been ignoring us."
Scenes from Donnie Darko flash through my brain. At any moment, I expect Frank to appear in my mirror. I wonder if I should just leave the room or call someone to come hear this, but I just stand there."I've been busy. And besides, nothing is turning out right." I laugh at myself for justifying my actions to my sketch pencils.
"That’s not what’s going on and you know it. You’re having an emotional crisis. Look what you did to that poor mug and even that you completely screwed up." This was perhaps the cockiest pencil I'd ever talked to .. wait .. well, never mind that right now.
“SHUT UP” I yell. “You think I don’t already know this? I’m talking to my flippin’ pencils you stupid moron.”
"Haha. Yeah. I’m the moron. I will not shut up," he said. "Look, if you're going to do something in anger, just do it. You needed a cheering section and 20 minutes to think about it."
"I did not. I just wrote it like that for dramatic effect. Besides, what the hell do you care? And ya know what!?" I said spinning around to face him. Uhoh. That pencil was really starting to piss me off and I felt a rant coming on.
"What's that little princess?" He chuckled.
I could feel my face flush. I absolutely detest being patronized. "Don’t call me a princess! I am sick and tired of everyone including my stupid belongings telling me how to feel and act. Shut up. I'll sketch when and if I feel like it. AND," I screamed, " if I wanna break every damm dish in the house, then I'll do that too."
"Okay. Okay. Calm down girlie." He patronized. "But while we're on the topic of things you should do .. "
"Wait,” I interrupt, “Why are we on that topic? I don't care what you think I should do. I quit. I'm done. I'm going out. And I'm not coming back. And I hope whoever comes in here to clean out my stuff puts you in the trash.”
“That's right little girl. Run away. It's easier than letting someone or something matter. Or trying something and having it not work. Run away though. That way you'll never have to be a big girl and grow up or take a chance."
"Fuck you." I said as I slam the door.
Who knows when or if I'll sketch again. I'm kinda scared of writing utensils now ;)
I glare back, "Eff you." I get up and throw a hoodie over them. "Take that."
I think I hear them sigh. "That won't make us go away you spoiled little bitch."
I look around the room. Hahahaha .. what? Did they just talk to me? Now they aren't just glaring, but talking and swearing?! I really should be finishing that submission for physics but I think I’ll go with chatting with my pencils just for giggles.
"Shut the fuck up or I'll sharpen you down to carbon shavings." I answer. "I'm not spoiled and I'm pretty sick of people saying that..."
"Hey dumbass, we're pencils not people. You do realize you're having a conversation with your pencils?"
I thought I could actually hear one of them smirk. It was probably that 2H. He never liked me anyway."I don't care. You started it. And I'm not spoiled and I definitely don't think y'all should be name calling and mocking me." I'd gotten out of the bed and was pacing the floor. My life was just too bizarre sometimes.
2H seemed to have taken over as spokesperson .. erhm.. pencil. It figures. "You've been ignoring us."
Scenes from Donnie Darko flash through my brain. At any moment, I expect Frank to appear in my mirror. I wonder if I should just leave the room or call someone to come hear this, but I just stand there."I've been busy. And besides, nothing is turning out right." I laugh at myself for justifying my actions to my sketch pencils.
"That’s not what’s going on and you know it. You’re having an emotional crisis. Look what you did to that poor mug and even that you completely screwed up." This was perhaps the cockiest pencil I'd ever talked to .. wait .. well, never mind that right now.
“SHUT UP” I yell. “You think I don’t already know this? I’m talking to my flippin’ pencils you stupid moron.”
"Haha. Yeah. I’m the moron. I will not shut up," he said. "Look, if you're going to do something in anger, just do it. You needed a cheering section and 20 minutes to think about it."
"I did not. I just wrote it like that for dramatic effect. Besides, what the hell do you care? And ya know what!?" I said spinning around to face him. Uhoh. That pencil was really starting to piss me off and I felt a rant coming on.
"What's that little princess?" He chuckled.
I could feel my face flush. I absolutely detest being patronized. "Don’t call me a princess! I am sick and tired of everyone including my stupid belongings telling me how to feel and act. Shut up. I'll sketch when and if I feel like it. AND," I screamed, " if I wanna break every damm dish in the house, then I'll do that too."
"Okay. Okay. Calm down girlie." He patronized. "But while we're on the topic of things you should do .. "
"Wait,” I interrupt, “Why are we on that topic? I don't care what you think I should do. I quit. I'm done. I'm going out. And I'm not coming back. And I hope whoever comes in here to clean out my stuff puts you in the trash.”
“That's right little girl. Run away. It's easier than letting someone or something matter. Or trying something and having it not work. Run away though. That way you'll never have to be a big girl and grow up or take a chance."
"Fuck you." I said as I slam the door.
Who knows when or if I'll sketch again. I'm kinda scared of writing utensils now ;)
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