Silence

I had a dream about you
In white
And black
On a bed of thorns
There is no way to tell you
No lines
No roads
No words
The silence screams
The scene unseen

Between here and the end ...

Between here and the end
Lay obstacles carefully calculated
Because I cannot be the one
To state the obvious
Nor hear it
It is easier to construct
Barriers and pretend
It no longer matters

Top 10 things I dislike today ..

In no particular order:

1) Blondes. Naw. They're okay. But it always pops into my head first.
2) Mean people. What's the point, really?
3) Hurting people. It's happened more than I'd like recently. I'm sorry.
4) Nostalgia. If I'm going to walk down memory lane, please let it be with the person I'm thinking about.
5) Lack of apples and raisins. It's my own personal hell.
6) People that have it all figured out, or think they do. Are you kidding me?
7) Growing up.
8) Losing sight of what's important.
9) Green-eyed monsters.
10) Change.



I made this list and then went out for a walk on the beach. I planned on proofing it when I got back and then publish. While I was out there, a very old friend came to visit. He was very sweet and we chatted a bit about why I felt the need to make a list of things I dislike. Most of the things up there are things I dislike about myself (well, not #1) but instead of making a list, I could change (see #10). In any case, my friend assured me that the world will go on and I should visit more often when I'm feeling bleah. I believe I will. I love the moon.

...insomnia

I desperately long
to recapture that moment
between complete consciousness
and sleep
Floating into the realms
of all that might be possible
Yet able to control my
thoughts and feelings
In shades of the loveliest
grays
Hovering above myself
watching my vain attempts
to capture ..

elusive sleep

..safety?

She woke to the smell of cinnamon and syrup and coffee.
It came seeping in under the cracks of the carefully closed doors.
and windows.
They would need to be sealed.

this one's for you

a pebble

then a stone and
now a boulder
laid one upon the other
over time
stacked
into a barrier
cemented with determination
to protect
against the storms
of wind
and rain
and tides
and words

soon

nothing could cross





including

the

sun

shut up

Today the role of Hayley is being played by Eric .. he really does it best.

"Shut up you're giving me a headache"

"Okay"

almost

it was almost a thought
vague
lingering
lurking
on the
outer
edges
of complete consciousness

it was almost a feeling
dim
hoping
hiding
on the
outer edges
of complete realization

it was almost a reality
clear
distinct
palpable
on the
verge
of a beginning
or an ending

it was almost

now i understand

Why are you doing that?!

What?

Look at that! Why are you doing that?!

It deserved it.

Why? Did it do something to you?

Yes.

Well, it's really small now. Was that what you wanted?

No. I wanted to understand.

Did making it smaller help you understand?

No.

You should stop then.

Don't tell me what to do.

Okay. But if you don't stop, won't it just keep getting smaller until it disappears?

Yes.

Will you understand then?

No, but you're missing the point.

If you wanted to understand and you aren't going to, there doesn't seem to be a point.

Yes there is. Doing this will make it understand and grow.

So you think it'll get so small that it'll disappear and then it'll grow? That doesn't make sense.

You're as stupid as it is.

Oh. Now I understand.

escape

Escape into music and anonymity that are a link to sanity and hope.
A love.
A dream.

not now but soon

**The role of Hayley is being played by an actress who doesn't care what you think.

"Follow the rules. Follow the rules. Follow THE RULES!!!" he said.

"The rules suck. Let's do it this way." she giggled. He was so cranky when he didn't get his own way.

"No. Look. Right here," he pointed. "You signed right here and said you'd follow the rules."

"Mhmm. I see that. I did sign that. And I'm sorry. But those rules don't work for me. Look, let's do this .. make each 3 an 8 and then all the zeros could be turned into 1's. Or we could add two to everything and then round down!" She was trying to reason with him. Futile.

"No!" he repeated. "First, you can't round down here. What does that even mean? You're being silly when you need to be serious."

"Why? Serious is boring and sad. I'm tired of being sad. And serious. And following rules. And disappointing people because I won't." She flipped her head.

"Why do you sign things if you don't want to?" he countered.

"I don't know. I always intend to but the colors are never right. How can someone who doesn't know me, think that three can possibly be blue. Blue is so sad and so effin' serious! I can't!"

"If they say that three is blue then it needs to be blue. You agreed that you'd make three blue." he sighed. " What color is three?"

"I don't know," she repeated. "It's whatever color looks right at the time. Why does it always need to be what they say?"

"Because it's the rule! And you agreed. Try it. Just once. Try it!" He plead.

"I have and I will again. Not now but soon." She smiled then because today three would be yellow.

eh..

WE ARE ENSLAVED
The Working Title

I was licking the wound on my side
Just like the animals I see at night
Dragging me through the depths of
My mind the fear closes my eyes
Wishing I could be folded up tight
In the walls of the castle that I
Built for myself with the purpose of
Keeping the world out of my sight

Why was I the one eating you
Up over the phone bringing the
Wind straight to my door
like ice on the
Road spin around and round

I have witnessed a bird in my time
On a schedule for days of its life
Charging and slamming
its fragile body
Against the window while I
Am reminded of yesterdays pain
And this mirror is revealed to me
We never change or
learn from mistakes
It's a shame we are enslaved

I lost time once again
There you are
Turn me on
Touch my skin
Free my heart
Now and let me fly

j u m p ..

Khaki gray walls
Dark gray stripes
Horizontal
Defining each floor
Peering over the ledge
Squinting
Black marble tile below
Windows reflecting rainbows

First one foot
Then the next
Steady steady
Counting
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Release the left hand
Then the right

Weightlessly
Arms rising
Sun on her hair
And shoulders
Lifting her face to its warmth
Standing on tip toes

One deep breath

And

She

Jumps

...

i was right.
i won't make that mistake again.
but i was right.

the steps

"You must remain on line" The Voice announced.

Ugh. She disliked The Voice. She was standing on line in the hallway at the top of the steps. She rose up on tip toes attempting to see past those ahead. She whispered in his ear "Can you see anything yet?" He shook his head. Same as he always did. He never looked back. Never spoke to her. Just shook his head when she asked and stepped forward when it was his turn.

Unlike him, she looked back. The line was getting longer and longer. She considered falling behind and letting someone else take her place. "That is not permitted" The Voice said. She cringed. It always knew what she was thinking.

She made a plan. Every 3 steps, she would ask. She didn't want to be too annoying. One, two, three steps. One, two, three times .. "Can you see anything yet?" One, two, three times he shook his head. Damm, why can't I see up there. She turned around, "What do you think is up there?" The people behind her all shrugged, as if they didn't even care. Fuck this! Was she the only one that cared? "YES", The Voice said. There it was again.

Oops ... six x three had passed. "Can you see anything yet?"

He turned around and looked directly into her eyes, "No one can see anything. You just have to wait."

Shit.