...

I've been out of town for a few weeks. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I lay down on my bed. Ginger, happy to see me, curled up close, insisting I scratch her chin. I could feel my muscles untwist and let all the air leave my lungs. I was home. It's not permanent. I'll be leaving again (most likely for good) in a few days. But the smells and sounds of home are reassuring and comforting.

I
love
my
life.

it should be ..

It's not about YOU! Everything isn't about you.

I know that.

Then what's wrong?

I hate this.

What?

That everything isn't about me.

That's absurd. You'd hate it if everything WAS about you.

I have an idea.

What's that?

Let's try.

on believing ...

For months I have been planning. And hoping. And talking. And thinking.

The things I have planned for, hoped for, talked and thought about still haven't happened.

When you cease to believe, so will I.

it approaches

i sit quietly in the corner
listening
as blood rushes through my ears
pulses inside my head and
courses through
my veins
it drowns out every sound
the music
the people
the traffic
and
with every swish, every pulse, every whoosh
something approaches
something undefinable
waiting
for
us

The Rooster

Unable to return to sleep following a lengthy, yet somewhat unsatisfying, early morning phone conversation, I thought maybe I'd write a bit or sketch. That sucked so I got up and took a shower. While I stood under the hot water, I wrote a very long tribute to my shampoo which smells wonderful but definitely is not blog-worthy. I've always been a little odd and unfocused but recently I find myself perseverating on the smallest things: the smell of my shampoo, how wonderful fresh green beans taste, and my daily desire for raisin bagels and energy drinks. Anything else seems to sap my energy.

Maybe I should try to figure out why but I don't care. Yesterday I saw an old lady in one of those little scooter things. She had a rooster in the basket on the front.

Sometimes life presents it's own interesting moments.

i'm deleting everything ..

i'm going to hell
i lied yesterday
i didn't grow emotionally
i'm having a temper tantrum
i hate my life
not really
i hate everyone in it
except i don't
i want to delete
everything
and almost everyone
and start over

i quit
shut up


ps. Alex and Eric .. i wanted to delete this today but didn't :P

ugh ..

yesterday i grew

a little bit

emotionally

it was painful

No Do Overs

I'm so aggravated.
There was a moment .. one brief moment
When I could have
Turned left
But didn't.
Changing direction now
Requires turning around
And retracing my steps.
Boring and perhaps impossible.
Or making a series of
Right turns
That possibly would take me
Back to where I started.

except

No Do Overs

This morning..

"You've been elected to enter the alternate universe. Who would you like to be?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you dumb?"

"I don't think so. Are you looking for dumb people for the alternate universe?"

"I'm beginning to wonder. They've sent me to see who you would like to be."

"Who is "they" and why do I need to be someone else?"

'The rulers, of course. You want to go to the alternate universe as yourself?"

"I don't know. Can I be a ruler?"

"You are dumb. There are enough rulers. You can be anyone else."

"What if I don't want to go? I have no idea what's there. What if I hate it?"

"Most everyone hates it. But you've been elected and now you have to go. Pick someone to be."

"Will I come back?"

"Some try. I don't suggest it."

"I don't want to. This isn't great but I don't think most everyone hates it. It must be awful over there."

"You're mistaken. It's lovely. It's perfect."

"But you said ..."

"That's what's so perfect about it. You can say and mean anything. Now PICK SOMEONE TO BE!"

"No. Now stop yelling. If I don't pick anyone, I don't have to go?"

"You're annoying me. You've been elected. You have to go. There is only one other choice."

"Maybe I'll pick that. What is it?"

"Neither."

..dreams??