The End

Over the past several weeks, events have occurred that have left me both emotionally drained and oddly energized at the same time. I have been very content and at peace with the changes but inevitabley find myself tearing up and having that awful lump in my throat when I think back. Still, it is time to move forward.

Therefore I have started a new blog. If you are interested in continuing to read my amateur reflections on life, you can find me at: http://hayleyfindsamap.blogspot.com/

To Do Lists ..

Lately, I've been in the mood to make lists of things to do. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I check something off. Even something as simple as "buy apples".

Check.

Done.

If I were a psych major, I might think this was a control issue. It's really a short-term need to put things in order and get my life together. Some of the tasks have been difficult. For instance, I've been trying to be very disciplined about running everyday. It's so easy to make excuses in this cold weather. Some are emotionally painful. For details on that, see previous 12 months of posts.

Today's task is bittersweet: Start New Blog. Posting here feels strange and I'm in the mood to write. I may come back and post a link. Those of you who care, can follow me there. If not, take care.

The Maze..

through the thorny archway
down the foggy tunnel
into the verdant maze.
pulled forward as if
by string.

tempted to look back.

at one end
the monster,
the beast,
the wreck,
who sailed away
into himself.
at the other,
shadowless sunlight,
exuding warmth
patiently waiting.

never looking back.

the string finally broken.


Thanks for the words Eric.

On making up ..

This was a terrible mistake.

I should have followed my instincts.
And left things exactly where they were.
I am more conflicted than ever.
My peace has been disturbed.

This was a terrible mistake.

Time Tenses

I am your past.
It seemed perfect.

The future unknown.
The present non-existent.

I am your past.
Hindsight makes it perfect.

More

"What are you writing?"

"What you just said."

"Why?"

"I want it all some place so that I won't ever forget."

"You don't need to write it down. I will remind you."

...

I do not know, nor understand
What you have become.

The Mystery..

I am jarred awake from my trance-like state by the presence of another person.
Every sense is much more intensely itself.
It reminds me of a place I've never been.
A home I have never seen.

Nothing is the same but everything is familiar.
I want to remain and uncover the mystery.
That is our destiny.
Where the dream never ends.

...

"I had a dream I disappeared."

"Believe me, if you did, I would come find you."

On Love and War..

The allies have surrounded.
The battle is won.
The war is over.
The evidence has been eradicated.
Scorched earth remains.

There is peace.

He said ..

"When you are in Chicago, I look out my window and if the earth were flat, you would be right there."

Us

We are because you are so quietly confident that we can be.

Dear John

I saw Amanda in "Mean Girls" (who hasn't?) where she played Karen and thought her boobs could predict when it was going to rain. "Dear John" is on the agenda this weekend. I'm in the mood for a chick flick. But I had no idea that she had any musical talent. Sappy as it may be, I'm in love with the lyrics in the first part of this song. "I love this place, but it's haunted without you. My tired heart is beating so slow. Our hearts sing less than we wanted."

Click

I hate when I lose things. It seems to take me hours and hours to find something once it's gone. I'd been looking for this for months though and it was getting out of hand. It wasn't that I missed it all the time. But periodically, it would occur to me that I didn't know where it was. Sometimes, just before I woke up, I would dream I had it. I even asked people if they knew where it was. Not everyone, but people that knew me might at least have some idea where it had gone. A few very good friends had a pretty good idea, one even suggested exactly where it might be. And I followed their suggestion but still, no luck.

Then last weekend I cleaned my apartment hoping it would turn up. I was amazed at how complicated I had let my life become. How cluttered with the unnecessary. I decided to be brutal. Three piles .. trash, recycle, donate. Slowly but surely I began to uncover it. Suddenly, I knew when and where I had lost it. One final place to clean and it would be mine once again.

~sigh

emo? mhmm...

I used to think you were the only thing that mattered. Now I know you're the only thing that doesn't.

Storms

There are storms that cannot be weathered.
Today one hit.

On being non-existent

I had a vivid dream immediately before I woke up this morning. In it, I held my breath, closed my eyes and disappeared. It wasn't as if I died. Or went somewhere else. It was as if I had never existed, rather like George Bailey.

I liked it.

rambling

there is a lump in my throat
and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
and endless tears
i am frozen
with no idea how to move
south?
east?

the past neatly packed into boxes
carelessly left in the attic to become
brittle and fragile

incite/insight

on giving in ..

circles of closeness
levels of intimacy
degrees of happiness
measures of who we are
weighing each moment
comparing
emotions
lives
reduced to
scientific and mathematical terms
in an effort to
explain the unexplainable

maybe I should give in and let go

Stay Tuned

Right before I fell asleep at 5:34 a.m., I wrote an entire blog in my head. When I uncover it from beneath all the junk that makes up the rest of my existence I will post it. If I remember correctly, it was interesting (if I do say so myself). Stay tuned.

lalala..

Mooonbeams
Illuminate the
Night sky
Effortlessly
Bouncing from
Cloud to cloud

I wish I could
Follow

i miss you

When I miss you
and it happens too often

I get out the box that is filled
with the memories
of us
and
of you

I relive the moments
and words
and feelings

It is the sweetest indulgence I know