On Blogging

I've been doing this blogging business now for about a month .. N00B. You'd think I like blogging. I love to talk and this is a perfect opportunity to natter at people and not care if they hear or pay any attention to what I say. People can read or not. But it's left me feeling .. inadequate.

I've been looking at and reading a lot of other blogs. People seem to do so much with it. There are photography blogs that range from scenic photographs to some that look like that were taken for Better Homes and Garden. Then they are those that ramble about their own lives .. who to date, what school to attend, and why did their friend talk smack about them. There are emo blogs and sometimes I have no idea what they're talking about but they sound kind of sad. There's poetry of all types .. some I like and others not so much. One thing I notice is that people seem to have some kind of theme or purpose and they stick with that.

I'm envious of people that know what they want to write about. Whether I understand it or even enjoy it, at least they seem to have a purpose. I feel like I blog the way I live. Randomly with no real purpose or order. No sense of direction or goal. Just blithely going along, touching people's lives maybe. Or not. Some days I feel as if I'm standing on the outside of a giant bubble and everyone else is inside. I'm watching. Waiting to see what they do and if it works. The thing is, I don't always feel that way. Some days I feel very connected and involved. But that's the randomness of my thoughts and life. So today I'll blog about blogging.

Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about my socks or why I like string cheese or extol the virtues of my favorite fruit. Who knows?

changing

the wind blew the sky
changing its colors
from blue
to black
to gray
to white
and back
and with it

my mood

Countdown

Last night I had a dream about one of those countdown clocks. You know, one of those things people put on their web pages that tell how long until something special is going to happen. Like graduation or spring break or vacation or even how long they've been dating someone. In my dream the ticking of the clock was almost deafening. I couldn't see the numbers or the writing so I don't know what's going to happen or when. But today I still heard the ticking.

quitting?

sometimes there's nothing left
to say
or think
or feel

maybe i'll quit

Serendipity

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for."

Lawrence Block

Sometime around 4 a.m. the other morning, the movie Serendipity was on some obscure channel . I'd seen parts of it before, but given the hour, my unwarranted altertness and mood, I chose a sappy romantic comedy over infomercials. John Cusak was charming and honestly, who could find anything wrong with Kate Beckinsale. It was the typical boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-finds-girl and they fall in love kind of movie. But the banter was smart and funny and I was glad they ended up together.

It's just sometimes it seems we have everything we could possibly want. Our friends and family look at us and say, 'why are you still not content?' Or may they don't. Maybe we just ask ourselves why. And maybe it's a good thing. It keeps us growing, thinking and searching. But there are days when I tire of all that nonsense. So maybe I'll go buy some gloves, write my number in a second hand book or a five dollar bill.

Whatever road I choose, I think I'll adopt the word for a while.

worlds?

I wanted to be eloquent and talk about good things coming from bad. I’m not sure they do and I don’t feel eloquent. These days I feel as if I am on the very brink of something wonderful and at the same time terrified about which way to jump. Maybe I need new shoes. Or to sketch a picture. Or change the date. I don't have words. And none of my clothes seem familiar or comfortable.

I wish to escape into the world we created and stay there. Just for a while. Until I am capable of dealing with the real world. Maybe I never will be and I don't think that would be terrible unless I find myself alone there. So today I will ramble and post this nonsense in the hopes that the words on the page mean more some day later. Maybe they will remind me of how I felt during. And I will be able to ..

go on.

edit today please

they took all my sketches
and an opportunity
i hate them

that is all